Friday, January 2, 2009

"The Tale of Shasty McNasty"

The following actual account is based on an event that actually took place...
(you have been warned)

Alright, now we've all one time or another had to GO - I'm not talking about going to the market, or going to the bank... I'm talking about having to really GO!

Let me just say that I've seen a lot of crazy things in my time on this planet, I spent 7 years working at AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS as the head of the screening department - so really nothing surprises me... well almost nothing!

On a recent trip with the kids to Disneyland I was a sorry witness to God's cruelty to man. We had just finished lunch at the Blue Bayou and as we headed for the New Orleans train station we hit the mens restroom a short stones thrown from the Haunted Mansion... being the after lunch crowd it was pretty busy in there - both the kids went in to their stalls and I stood watch as they did their business, I was holding the door for my daughter as a line quickly formed for each of the 5 stalls. It is at this point I noticed an Asian gentleman about 35 years old come rushing in all humped over... he had that desperate look of panic on his face, you know that look - we parents have seen it a hundred times on the face of a 2 year old that has waited till the absolute last min to use the toilet.

This poor bastard was pinching his cheeks and seeing that all the stalls were "occupodo" began a dance of doubled over pain and proceeds to circle the bathroom like a caged beast while pinching his ass-cheeks moaning, OH GOD OH GOD... my son exits the stall the next guy in line (showing no sympathy) enters the stall, so my new 'about to explode' friend does what any grown adult would do... he drops his shorts and proceeds to SHIT on THE FLOOR in the OPEN DOORWAY for ALL to see in a PUBLIC THEME PARK RESTROOM!!!

Now I've seen lots of crazy crap in my time, but this has to be one of the greatest things I've ever seen - this poor bastard was an E-Ticket ride... In a way I felt sorry for him but at the same time I was totally disgusted while holding back my laughter. I'll spare you the gory details of the puddle of liquid dookey... but DUDE what the fuck!?! When the event was over, the guy hitches up his shorts and whithout so much as a wipe or look back - makes his quick exit just as a janitor walks in! Mind you I'm totally into whats going on as the kids wash their hands - the inner laughter builds inside me! The look on the janitor's face as he entered the doorway to witness the shitty event was simply priceless, he walks past this runny mound of shit without so much as a double-take... which begs the question: has he seen this sort of thing before?

I know we are all uman and we've all had to GO real bad, I have a sensative tummy and if the food is even remotley tainted, it'll hit me hard - but never in all my drunken days as far as I can remember have I ever been forced to drop my shorts and shit in public on the floor at Disneyland for craps-sake!

The kids were oblivious to the whole incident, but when we exited and I said "Don't step in THAT!" - I couldn't hold it any longer - my laughter burst out and I had to tell them what just happened - I had to tell somebody - right?

I have this vision of that poor bastard going back to his family... what did he tell them? Did he tell them what happened? I imagine instead he returned with his head hung low in shame saying nothing at all...

So, there you have it - The Tale of Shasty McNasty, so dubbed by the kids. Needless to say in the years since this event, every time I visit the restroom near the New Orleans train station I enter with a fond chuckle to my pal Shasty...

*(this story originally posted on MySpace Sept. 2006)

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